I was lying down on a grass field with some people from high school. there were a pair of sisters—one was older, I knew the younger one personally a bit better. or at least I felt like I did, idk. we were chatting and talking about how our lives had turned out. it was really peaceful.
i’ve been having lots of nightmares for the past 2-3 years. I just bought a cheap pillow and maybe it made me hallucinate or elevated my head in some way that helped my breathing because I don’t feel so tired this morning.
feeling nightmares (happens when I’m not asleep too) is not exactly any visible thing. it’s like you feel the spirit of evil in front of you. you see it in your mind’s eye. it happens after I eat fat (due to poison being stored in my bile) and sometimes when I eat spicy food or certain vegetables.
and i started crying so much because i feel like so many people aren’t sure or set in their careers, and it’s like they were infantry killed in battle but because I believed in people I never thought others couldn’t do it or wouldn’t do it. and it’s like I had this delusion that everyone around me was going to have a good career and do lots of internships and explore and be inspired… but maybe i’m just delusional. i couldn’t see other people as they are. and maybe they are ok with their lives. and now I’m all alone and all my friends are dead.
and maybe beyond this is this desperate need I have to survive and do well in my career and life. and maybe for once, even if it was in my dreams, I could slow down and be at peace.
People say ‘you’re a very tough person.’ I’m not tough. Life is tough. I’m merely trying to acquaint you with those facts.
— Thomas Sowell